This Is Bananas
by filthiestofweebsdesu
Summary: There's this one episode of The New Batman Adventures where Nightwing encounters this gorilla he grew up with at his circus, and her name is Peaches and she's precious and she and Dick are totally bros, and for some inexplicable reason DC never wrote her into anything ever again. Which is an absolute tragedy. So I'm fixing it here you go


For the past two weeks, Bruce had been away on international Wayne business (with the Bat Clan covering for him as Batman, of course). He wouldn't say it, but he was very much looking forward to making himself back at home in the Batcave, perhaps sipping at some of Alfred's world-famous hot cocoa, catching up on the cases he had missed. (He had done enough sleeping on the plane ride home. Honest.)

He wouldn't admit this either (probably), but he was particularly looking forward to seeing Alfred and Dick - especially Dick. He and Bruce had been arguing significantly less as of late, so Dick had been stopping by the mansion much more often, too, which Bruce had been very grateful for.

He'd really, really missed his son.

Sure, Batman and Nightwing occasionally crossed paths on the job or worked together on a mission, exchanging words and information and commands, Nightwing maybe cracking the occasional joke when the atmosphere wasn't terribly tense (or when trying to ease the tension). But it had been far too long since they had actually _talked_, since _Bruce and Richard_ had gotten together to eat a meal, watch a movie, ask the other about their day, done anything just to be in the other's company. They were finally beginning to get that back, and it was nice. It was really, really nice.

Bruce had missed that. He had missed Richard. He'd missed his boundless energy, the pure, unbridled ray of _light_ he shined upon everyone he spoke to, his ability to find the humor and positivity in almost every situation. He'd even missed his sarcasm, how he always seemed to be ready with a joke or witty remark, how he wouldn't ever take crap from anybody. The manor honestly hadn't been the same without him -- it had been too quiet. Too solemn.

And as he walked through the front doors, Bruce thought about how he even missed the mildly infuriating, childish shenanigans Richard always seemed to stir up whenever he was home at the ma--

\-- never mind.

He took that last part back.

He took it _way_ back.

"Heya B," Dick greeted casually, not a care in the world as he sat in front of the TV, eating potato chips whilst lounging in the lap of - and sharing his chips with - a living, breathing, honest-to-god gorilla.

Bruce couldn't make this up if he tried.

Dick apparently noticed his reservation, and hurriedly attempted to address the elephant in the room before either man could ignite the spark of an argument.

"Okay so, before you ask-"

But Bruce quickly rose a hand to silence him, eyes closed in the way that usually told Dick "please don't involve me in this, you are making me tired" (a look that Bruce reserved almost _exclusively_ for him).

A minute passed (a very awkward, quiet minute), and Bruce, still not having said a word (he couldn't find them - what was he even supposed to say?), slowly turned on his heel, and made his way down to the cave in an exasperated - but still unbelieving - sort of silence.

_'Well, that certainly went better than expected,'_ Dick mused to himself after the other had left, passing another crisp to the ape he was nestled against (who, by the way, accepted it very politely).

*** * ***

Bruce was seated in the Batcave in front of his computer, the only noise the whirring of equipment and occasional _tap tap tap_ of his fingers against the keyboard. Meticulously, he combed through the files on the flash drive Robin had left for him on his desk, which contained reports and information pertaining to all of the cases that "Batman" had worked on in Bruce's absence the past couple of weeks.

It was almost soothing, the familiarity and monotony of it pulling Bruce in and distracting him from the outside world. So much, in fact, that he had almost forgotten why he had come straight here to the cave, until his concentration was disrupted by the Wayne family butler's brisk and nimble footsteps echoing off of the cave walls.

"Hey, Alfred?" Bruce asked him. Might as well get this over with.

"Yes sir?" Alfred had made his way across the room, only a few feet away from him now. Bruce turned slightly in his chair.

"Would you mind telling me why there's a gorilla in my living room?"

The butler was unfazed. Of course he was. "_Which_ living room, sir?"

"Alfred," Bruce warned. Though not all that convincingly. (He was tired, okay? Just...not because of the plane ride home.)

Despite the threat not quite reaching Bruce's voice, if Alfred wasn't, you know, _Alfred_, he would have shifted uncomfortably. But since he _was_ Alfred, he straightened his posture coolly instead, and cleared his throat before he began to speak.

"Yes, well...several of Haly's animals recently had to be rehomed - animal rights legislation you know - and poor Peaches didn't have anywhere else to go, so Master Dick requested she stay with him, at least for a while."

"And since Dick doesn't have the space _or_ the permits to keep her in his _own_ apartment, you told him he could bring her here." It wasn't a question, not really.

"I- well yes, that's correct, sir."

Bruce sighed in exasperation.

"I'm terribly sorry I didn't ask your permission, sir. But Master Dick was quite distraught about the whole thing, I didn't have the heart to tell him no. In hindsight, I should have contacted you. I assure you it won't happen again." He paused.

"...Though if makes you feel any better Master Bruce, Master Peaches is quite the respectable houseguest."

Bruce sighed again, resting his forehead in his hand. "It's alright Alfred just...don't involve me in it, please."

"Of course sir." Despite himself, Alfred couldn't quite resist the slight pull of a smile on his lips.

There was a brief pause before he continued. "Might I get you anything sir? Some hot cocoa, perhaps?"

The tension in Bruce's face eased, if even just a little. "Sure, thank you, Alfred."

"You're quite welcome." Alfred turned to leave, and was almost to the top of the stairs when he smiled again and added, "it's good to have you back, Master Bruce."

"Thanks. It's good to be back, Alfred." And it was. You know, other than there being a gorilla in his living room.


End file.
